


Work Through the Pain

by rowenathereb



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Needs a Hug, Angst, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Crying, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Joceyln's Funeral, M/M, This is not Happy, idk what else to tag, unhealthy coping mechanism, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowenathereb/pseuds/rowenathereb
Summary: Alec feels a lot of guilt for Joceyln's death. Magnus tries to help him get through it. Basically Magnus just trying to comfort an angry, hurt Alec.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	Work Through the Pain

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this literally a year ago. At the time I had it all planned out, and it probably would have been much better than it is now. Unfortunately, this fic fell into the hands of quarantine boredom and is left with this ending. I really wanted to connect the flashback with how Alec was feeling in the present and I'm not sure I conveyed that in the way I wanted to.

Young Alec Lightwood, no more than eight years old, laid in his bed, miserable. His head was pounding, his entire body was oddly warm and clammy, his nose was blocked not allowing any airflow, and every time he took a breath he felt the air pass through his congested lungs. His eyes were slowly shutting, falling back into a fitful sleep, when his door flew open. “On your feet, Alexander. You have training today,” Robert Lightwood’s voice boomed through Alec’s tiny room. Alec just groaned in response. “I don’t believe I’ve raised you to be lazy, Alexander. Get up.”

“I can’t dad,” Alec’s voice barely came out, it was scratchy and unrecognizable, “I’m sick.” Alec opened his eyes and saw only his father’s disapproving gaze. 

“I will not ask again, Alec. I expect you in the training room in five minutes. Do I make myself clear?” His father's voice was like steel, unwavering, no room for argument. 

“Yes, sir,” Alec said slowly sitting up in his bed. His head spun and his vision was glassy. He saw his father walk out and the slam of the door as he left shook Alec awake. As quickly as his lead-filled limbs would carry him, Alec got dressed in gym shorts and a simple T-shirt. He made his way into his tiny bathroom and splashed some water on his face. Looking at himself in the mirror, he almost didn’t recognize the person looking back at him, his hazel eyes were dull, along with his pale skin and dark eye circles. He made his way out of his room and to the training floor where his father was waiting for him. 

“Front and center Alec.” His father’s face was stone cold. Alec rushed to his father's side, which is when he noticed the several bullseyes scattered in front of him, the closest being 20 meters away, the farthest around 70. “It’s come to my attention that your accuracy has been suffering as your studies have become more difficult. You must know this is unacceptable, Alexander. Your poor performance shows poorly on me, your mother, and the Lightwood name,” his father handed him his archery equipment with the exception of his finger tab. He was about to say something when his father interrupted him, “You’re to shoot these targets as many times as possible with complete accuracy. Do you understand your instructions?” Alec nodded solemnly. “Good I’ll be back in an hour to see your progress,” and with that Robert Lightwood left his son to train. 

The first few shots were excruciating, as his limbs refused to cooperate. He started with the 20-meter target, his arrows were landing close enough to the bullseye. Eventually, his muscles warmed up and he was able to speed up moving to the next target a few more meters away. By the 20 minute mark, he felt a tingling in his fingers and an indent where the bowstring was digging into his bare fingers. By 30 minutes his arms were starting to get tired, the weight of the bow, and each arrow felt like a whole ton as he pulled another arrow back and let it fly into the center of the next target. By 45 minutes blood slicked his fingers, every other shot he’d wipe the blood away on his shorts. Tears fell down the young boy’s face. At first, he had tried to resist it, holding them in, but all that did was blur his vision so he let them flow freely. Shadowhunter after Shadowhunter walked by shocked and appalled, as the Lightwood child pulled back arrow after arrow despite his injuries. None of them would say anything though, far be it from them to question Head of the Institute Robert Lightwood’s parenting methods. 50 minutes had passed and Alec’s arms shook every time he raised the bow and arrow into position, each time he took a steadying breath before releasing. His arms spasmed as he let them fall to his sides. Alec reached for his next arrow when he heard, “That’s enough,” from behind him. His back straightened and his hands clasped instantly behind his back. “Put away your weapons,” at the command, Alec went straight over to the weapons cache to place his bow and arrows with the rest. He hoped that from there, his father could not see his legs waver and his arms shake, but it was unlikely. With his weapons stored properly, Alec went and stood in front of his father, tears still pouring over his cheeks, he still made direct eye contact with his father despite. Robert knelt down to his son’s height and roughly wiped the tears away from his face. “Shadowhunters were made to be strong, Alec, to endure almost anything. As Shadowhunters, we work through the pain, we push it all aside because when we don’t people die, and our city is left vulnerable. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, sir,” his voice is gurgly, from the crying and the sickness. 

“Good because your mother and I are always expecting the best from you. As our son and as a Shadowhunter you have responsibilities far greater than yourself. The faster you learn that the better Shadowhunter you’ll be.” Alec nodded again. Robert stood back to his normal height, towering over Alec once again. “You’re dismissed. Just book studies tomorrow.”

——-

Alec was shaken out of his memory when Magnus stepped out onto the balcony where he was currently brooding. “Alexander, it’s freezing out here. You should come inside. I can make you some tea...” Magnus attempted to bring Alec out of the cold and into the warm cozy apartment.

“How could I let this happen, Magnus?”

“Alec, what are you talking about?”

Tears threatened to roll down Alec’s cheeks, but he rubbed them away roughly. He didn’t deserve tears, he was not mourning the loss of his mother, Clary was, because of him. “Jocelyn is dead because of me.”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

Alec stood up abruptly, fierce anger in his eyes, not directed at Magnus, but himself. “How is it not my fault? I let a demon into the Institute. It possessed me and I killed Jocelyn.”

“Alec, you can’t blame yourself for this,” Magnus tried to reason with him. Seeing Alec so heartbroken over this, so angry, broke his heart as well. “There’s no way you could have prevented this. It’s Valentine’s fault.”

Alec turned his back on Magnus, watching as the cars passed by on the street below. “I should have been stronger. If I had just been stronger, Izzy wouldn’t be hurt and Jocylen wouldn’t be dead.” His little sister was hurt because of him. Lydia was hurt because of him. And Clary’s mother was dead because of him. All because he couldn’t stop a demon from entering the Institute. He wasn’t good enough, just like his mother had said. Just like Jace had said. 

“Alec. Alexander, look at me, please.” Begrudgingly, he turned to face Magnus. His jaw was set, his eyes were stone. He would be strong now, he had to, despite that no amount of strength would heal the people he cared about or bring back Clary’s mom. “None of this is your fault,” Magnus said, eyes never leaving Alec’s, “This was Valentine. In no way is this your burden to bear, and especially not alone.” His hand cupped Alec’s cheek, “Now please come inside,” Magnus was pleading with him now. He would hate to leave his shadowhunter out alone, in the cold.

Alec considered it for a moment, but shook his head, “No, I need to be getting back to the Institute. The funeral is tomorrow.” Alec stepped away from Magnus, away from his warmth and comfort that he wanted so badly, yet didn’t deserve. 

“Alexander are you sure you’re okay to go to the fu-”

Alec cut him off, “I have to go and pay my respects. It’s the least I could do. For Clary and Jace too. It’s not even a question”

Magnus would never cease to be amazed by Alec’s selflessness. Others he knew would never admit blame like that and still do the honorable thing and show up for those he felt he wronged. But Alec had always been the most honorable person he knew. “Of course.” Alec nodded to him and attempted to leave the loft when Magnus stopped him by saying, “Stay here tonight.”

“Magnus… I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. I can portal you to the Institute in the morning, no problem. You’ll be there with enough time to get ready, I promise.” Magnus knew he was probably pushing his luck by asking Alec to stay the night. Though he knew if Alec went, he would spend the night alone, wallowing in his guilt, and that was good for no one. 

Alec stood there considering for a long time. On one hand, he didn’t want to be alone, but on the other hand, he really didn’t feel like he deserved to stay here with Magnus. Sweet, kind, compassionate Magnus, who seemed to forgive him before he could even forgive himself. The list was long of the things Alec Lightwood believed he didn’t deserve. But maybe this once, it would be alright to indulge in something he didn’t deserve, because he _really_ didn’t want to be alone. “Alright, um I’ll stay.”

Magnus snapped his fingers and conjured some sweatpants and a pajama shirt in Alec’s size. “Here. Take these and go take a shower. We can talk some more when you get out.”

Alec took the clothes and nodded, started walking towards the bathroom until he stopped to turn and look at Magnus, “Thank you,” he cleared his throat, “for letting me stay here tonight.”

“No thanks necessary, Alexander.” 

——-

In the morning, Alec woke up warm in Magnus’ bed before he could remember what had happened in the previous days. But when his consciousness finally came to him he felt like a demon had slashed through his stomach. He ran to Magnus’ en suite bathroom and threw up in the toilet. He dry heaved for so long because he honestly hadn’t eaten much since the attack on the Institute. At some point Magnus joined him in the bathroom, sitting on the cold tiled floor, rubbing Alec’s back and trying to get him to slow him breathing. As soon as Alec felt like he could stand he did so, and Magnus stood with him, ready to lead him back to bed. 

“I need to go,” Alec said, stone-faced as if he had not just been laying on the bathroom floor mere moments ago.

“Ale-” Magnus tried to interrupt, but all he got was a pleading look from his boyfriend.

“Please don’t try to talk me out of going. I understand if you won’t portal me. I’ll walk if I have to but you know I _have_ to go.” Magnus merely waved his hand and opened a portal to Alec’s bedroom at the institute.

Magnus grabbed Alec’s arm to get his attention, “Please come back here when it’s over. Or just don’t be alone, please. Alexander, I know you blame yourself, so please don’t isolate yourself from those who care about you.” Magnus really was worried he would do something bad. All Alec could do was nod, and like that he was gone.

——-

Magnus had been on edge all day, not only because of Alec, but he was also mourning his friend. It killed him to not be able to be there for (who he now considered) his family. Clave’s rule to ban all downworlders made him want to storm Idris all on his own, to let the Clave know how tired of their bullshit he was. But that would get him nowhere and help no one. Sometime after noon, he received a text from Alexander: 

_Staying with Izzy and Jace for a while. Can I still come over later though? -A_

In any other circumstance, Magnus would find his boyfriend’s shyness adorable, but now it just felt sad. He knew Alec felt like he didn’t deserve anything at the moment. He had got it in his thick skull that this was all his fault when it really really wasn’t. The only one responsible was Valentine. Magnus eventually pulled himself out of his thoughts to text back:

_Of course, darling. I’ll be waiting for you. -M_

He didn’t receive any messages back after that. It was beginning to get late, Magnus was determined to stay up and wait for his love, to be there to support him. By the stroke of midnight, Magnus was beginning to panic. Then his phoned pinged with a text from Isabelle:

_Alec is safe. But please send a portal. He’s in the training room. I’m finally forcing him to leave. Thank you xoxo -I_

In no time at all Magnus opened a portal between his living room and the Institute’s training room. And finally, his shadowhunter was pushed through. Alec was still dressed in his all-white suit from the funeral. Had the situation been different Magnus would have made a comment about how good he looked, but the look on Alec’s face ruined it. Alec looked like a statue, his face so stone cold, his eyes were dark, and his shoulders slumped as if he was carrying the weight of the world. He dragged himself to the couch and sat down heavily, head in his hands. Magnus noticed one of them was bandaged. Stupid righteous shadowhunters.

“So what were you doing in the training room until midnight?” Magnus tried not to sound bitter but he couldn’t help it when Alec blatantly disregarded his own safety and health.

“Training,” Alec said bluntly. Magnus just rolled his eyes and sat down next to him.

Magnus took his hand, “How was the funeral?”

“Awful. You were right I shouldn’t have gone.” Magnus flinched, he could hear the pain behind Alec’s hands. He sat so rigidly, a miserable expression on his face like this morning, never making eye contact. Magnus could see the wall he built around himself, but he could also see the cracks. The Alec he knew and loved was just under the surface waiting for someone to reach out to him. Magnus would be that person.

“I didn’t say that Alec. I just thought-”

“No. I didn’t deserve to be there. I caused this,” a tear fell down his cheek and he wiped it away roughly, “I don’t deserve to cry. This is all my fault. Clary and Jace’s mom is dead because of me.”

“This wasn’t your fault Alexander. You were possessed. No one blames you. Clary and Jace don’t blame you,” Magnus tried pleading with him. He felt like a broken record. This was the same conversation they had the day before. But this time he felt something had changed in Alec. He was still hurt, but his anger was gone. He was only left with sadness and shame.

Alec could no longer keep his tears in as he faced Magnus for the first time all evening, “It is my fault Magnus. Shadowhunters were made to be strong, to endure anything. To work through any pain. I- I wasn’t st-strong enough.” Alec began to stutter as Magnus’ soft hands wiped his tears away. More gently than he had ever been handled.

Magnus held Alec’s crying face in his hands, “Alexander Lightwood, you are the strongest being I know, or have ever known for that matter.” Alec tried to shake his head free, to move away from Magnus’ words, but Magnus held steady. “No Alec, listen to me. You acted so bravely that day. And yes people died and got hurt. But that is not your fault. Nor is it your burden to bear.”

Alec couldn’t take it anymore. He collapsed into Magnus’ body, sobbing into his shoulder, “I failed. I couldn’t protect them.”

Magnus held him tight against him and shushed him gently, “You protected and saved so many people that day Alexander. No one blames you for what happened that night. And if they do they are wrong. You are a victim of this incident. Your body was taken over. That is not your fault.” Magnus knew he was being harsh, but it was necessary. If he wasn’t Alec would continue to believe the lies he’d created about himself. He would continue to blame himself for something that was not his fault.

Alec shook his head, “I’m sorry.” Magnus let out a few tears himself, he knew this apology was not to him, but to Clary, and Jace and Izzy and Lydia and anyone else he believed he wronged in this incident. He so badly wanted to repent for something that was out of his control. All because he had this notion in his head that he was solely responsible for what happened at the institute. Magnus cured Robert and Maryse in his head for that one.

Magnus leaned in close to Alec. He so badly wanted to protect him from the world. A world so cruel to push his boyfriend this far. Magnus ran his hands through Alec’s hair and whispered softly into his ear, “This was not your fault. It wasn’t. And I will keep telling you so until to believe it.” Alec kept shaking his head, but Magnus was sure his message had made it through. They both continued to cry well into the early morning until they passed out together on the couch. Moving forward would not be easy, Magnus knew this for sure. But he also knew he would be by Alec’s side every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
